The Not so Lonley Road

The Cleansing and the Calling

During my walk with Christ, I have experienced unexpected feelings, emotions, and changes that I didn't anticipate before surrendering my life to Him. I have been learning lately that my walk isn't going to be as linear or clean-cut as I once thought or would like for it to be. The more committed I become to the Lord and the more He refines me, the more He reveals to me just how much of my life was and still is connected to the world. The work He is doing in me did not stop on the day of my baptism, and I wasn't the perfected and ready Christian I thought I was on that day. For some reason, maybe because I was told for much of my life that I needed to be prepared for baptism, and that I had to get my life together, I thought all the real change happened before I went into the baptismal water. What I imagined to be the work after was just the cutesy Christian changes like going to church every week, praying more than usual, and chilling out on the secular music (and more). I never thought about the deep-rooted changes that would take place or the ones that would shake the ground I spent my whole life building, so I could stand on it. I never thought about the changes that needed to be made to my foundation because, in my mind, the foundation had already been refined enough at that time. I did change, but just enough, or so I thought. However, I couldn’t see all the places the Lord could see that still needed to be perfected.

I say all of this to give context to how I’ve come to the main point of this post. The peeling back that the Lord has been doing has caused me to feel things I used to view through a different lens. And one of those feelings I’ve been forced to acknowledge and encounter differently is loneliness. But what's wild is that this type of loneliness is different from the loneliness I once felt when I was living apart from the Lord. That loneliness felt empty. It felt like there was nowhere to turn on my darkest days, and like there was nothing that could truly lift the groans and pains out of my struggles. It felt like there were no answers to the hard questions in my life, and like there was no explanation for the devastation, disappointment, and dissatisfaction that constantly surrounded me. I felt buried underneath my circumstances, and like there wasn't meaning or purpose behind the things that would happen to and around me. To put it plainly, it felt like I was just an unlucky individual in an unlucky world.

That loneliness made me hopeless, angry, resentful, and it separated me from Christ, not because He was far from me, but because I didn't want to be near Him. It convinced me that the answer wasn't Jesus. It told me that the words of the Lord were just folklore, comforting phrases meant to provide false hope and sound doctrine. It left me unfaithful to Christ and overly faithful to my circumstances because I was so focused on doing anything I could to avoid the pain instead of facing it and giving it to Christ.

In my mind, what seemed like the solution to that kind of loneliness was being able to have better or more. Maybe I just needed better friends, a better job, more money, nicer things, more support from my family, or simply better circumstances. Even when I couldn't change my reality, I convinced myself that if I could, it would fix everything, so I would try endlessly. But that kind of loneliness was not something that I could have solved on my own because it was the kind that always left my cup empty. No matter how much I tried to fill it, I was still left dry, so it kept me longing for more from the world, living in a constant state of chasing. I realize now that there was a purpose behind that feeling, though. The loneliness that pushed me into a state of desperation and an endless desire to fix it was just an illusion that separated me from the Lord. It was the enemy’s way of keeping me trapped, stuck, and disconnected from His presence. I know this now and say it confidently because that loneliness was nothing like the loneliness I feel today. It did not align with God's love or with the glory that He promised me. I understand now that even though I believed I could solve that lonely feeling back then, the world’s solutions were never going to be enough. That longing was never going to be satisfied. It was a thirst that nothing outside of Him could have ever quenched, no matter what I tried to use to fill it. But this loneliness is different. It's not a loneliness that sets me apart from the Lord. It's a loneliness that draws me closer to Him. However, this loneliness does set me apart in a new way. It sets me apart from the world.

The Grief of Growth

Even though I am truly happy, and like Paul said, I count everything as a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, sometimes this loneliness feels like a kind of suffering (Philippians 3:8). I know this feeling is meant for good because it really does force me to rely on Him. But it also comes with a level of grief. Grief in knowing that I am leaving behind old ways of thinking, familiar environments, fun, and even people I once did life with to stay connected to the Lord. Paul said it beautifully, but sometimes the things we are called to count as rubbish are the things that shaped us. They were things we loved, felt connected to, and found joy in. For me, it's things like going out. Even though I never really cared for it, at least I could be with my friends without conviction. Whether or not I even cared to be there, I could still hit a blunt, take a shot, and vibe with the people around me. And other times, it's not feeling as cool as I used to because my convictions won't let me participate in conversations, ideas, or ways of thinking the way the way I could before. I can't be the yes man I was anymore because I have a more objective idea of right from wrong that the Lord has given me. Sometimes it's even in things like talking about God too much or feeling like my whole personality has become about Him. I know scripture says to let the one who boasts boast in the Lord (1 Corinthians 1:31), but sometimes it feels like it is not the right time or place, or like I've become the serious, strict, and convicting friend. Even that thought comes with conviction because I know better, so I should do better. After all, from everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded, and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked (Luke 12:48), so I can't just act like everything isn't about Jesus when it really is. So then what do I do? Who do I even become?

If I'm being honest, the feeling of loneliness is sometimes easier to handle when I feel outcasted in a positive way or because I feel convicted being somewhere I shouldn't be. In those moments, I'm pushed to rely on the Lord, to come to Him, to ask for Him, and to stay in His presence. But other times, that loneliness flares up even in Christian spaces where I don't feel like I'm enough or not saved enough. I can admit that I was once fully and happily partaking in everything negative and worldly under the sun, and if I'm being really honest, sometimes I fall short and still do. Even though the Lord tells me to boast in Him, there are times I don't feel qualified, sanctified, or cleaned up enough to even speak on Him. And that kind of loneliness hits different. It's the kind that feels like even though I have a burning passion for Him, or even though I have so much to say about His goodness and what He's done in my life, there isn't a safe enough place to share it. This kind of loneliness makes me question if I'll ever be able to speak about the Lord without being judged or if I'll ever find a place where I'll be accepted without being belittled. So I just go back into my own little space. My own bubble of comfort. My own range of sanctification. And I stay there. And it feels alone. Like I'm too good for the bad but not good enough for the good. So maybe I am just better off on my own.

Still being made new

But then the Lord steps in and He reminds me of what His words say:

"Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, His body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:19-25)

I understand now that I am entering a life that reflects the holy place Jesus has prepared for us, and I do truly feel like it is through a new and living way that was provided by Him. And just like the verse says, I need to be cleansed from the guilty conscience of my past. That cleansing that's being talked about protects me from the kind of loneliness that grows from feeling inadequate in the spaces that seem too good for me, because if I am honest, I still wrestle with that. I don't always feel like I belong in Christian spaces because I still struggle with temptation. I may not drink or smoke anymore, but sometimes I still crave the comfort that came from doing those things. I may not talk badly about people as boldly as I used to, but I still entertain conversations sometimes that I know I should walk away from, and in my life all around, I absolutely still fall short. So when I step into rooms filled with people who seem more holy or more put together, the guilt from my past tries to resurface. I think that it comes from a place where I was raised to think everything was black and white, and good or bad. No matter how many times I was taught about the grace of God, nobody ever broke it down to me in a way that I could understand it. I never knew that I could still be growing and still be in God’s presence, or that I could be imperfect while nearing toward His perfection. That kind of love was foreign to me. And, sometimes it still is. But this verse reminds me that the cleansing He offers is not based on my perfection. It's based on my sincerity and my faith. It reminds me that even though I am not perfect, I can come near to God boldly. He wants me to be close to Him. It reminds me that He knows my story and still calls me worthy to be loved by Him.

But then the verses say something that brings me conviction. It says to consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds and not to give up on meeting together, but instead to encourage one another, which led me to unravel more meaning behind the loneliness I was feeling.

For me, it's not about wanting distance or not wanting to be with the people I love; if that were the case, I wouldn't struggle with feeling lonely. It's the reality that being in those environments doesn't hit the same anymore. I'm stepping away from places I was once comfortable in, not because I stopped loving the people there or because I think I'm too good for them. The truth is that I'm not, and because I'm not, I can't handle being in the same places I used to because of what they could do to my spirit and my salvation. It doesn't help that I came up being taught to believe the lie that walking away from spaces I was once in meant I was also walking away from the people in it. Most of what I gathered growing up in church was that you were either with God or you weren't. I wasn’t ever taught about much of a healthy middle that factored in God's grace. And so now, even as an adult in my pursuit of Christ, I find myself trying to create a middle ground for myself and others. The problem with relying on myself to find that middle is that I don't know how to do it. So it often means that I'll end up carrying the weight of compromise, but that weight has consequences of its own. The problem with my own form of middle is that it pulls me back to things I've outgrown, and truthfully speaking, this type of compromise has never protected me. It’s only made it harder to walk away. Because I have been so used to spending most of my life as a people pleaser, I've put others’ comfort before mine, even if it meant putting my sanctification on the line. I'm not saying this to blame anyone. I want to make it blatantly clear that these were and are personal decisions, and I'm coming to understand why I make them. I think a lot of the time, I made those decisions because I never wanted anyone to feel as though I turned my back on them. I know what it feels like to be the one in the room who is not "living right," and that kind of shame doesn't just pass. It lingers. It's taken me time to realize that a part of me staying in comfortable areas was because I never wanted to be the one to inflict that feeling on another Christian.

But God is teaching me something new. He has helped me realize that just because I'm deciding to leave some spaces doesn't mean that I'm walking away from the people I love. The Lord is showing me that I can still encourage them without staying bound to environments that no longer serve my walk. He reminds me that I can pray for them, uplift them, and still uphold my boundaries. I trust that the same God who worked on my heart will also work on others in His perfect timing.

God never told me to stop showing up. He is simply teaching me to show up in new ways that are rooted in love. These ways help me stay anchored in Him without becoming distant. They protect my spirit while still keeping my heart open to others. I know that there are other ways to meet, and other ways to love, and I believe God will lead us all there. So I have learned to find comfort in the tension, because even the loneliness carries meaning. God is using it to reveal things I never would have seen if I had not sat still with it. God is showing me my anointing by shaping me into the person I used to wish would show up for me when I was still caught in the middle. He is making me someone who carries encouragement, truth, grace, strength, love, and commitment, and the more time I spend with Him, the more He cleanses me of my guilt, insecurities, and fear. This is how I become the woman He has called me to be. He reminds me that He has already opened a new way and is giving me everything I need to reflect Him boldly. Even the loneliness is a tool because it draws me closer to Him and helps me to lead others into His goodness.

Wrestling with Worthiness

I watched this interview yesterday on a YouTube channel called Garden Media, where Sarah Jakes Roberts was being interviewed. Just a side note, I love her. She is truly one of the many women who have inspired me from a young age to pursue the Lord and walk with confidence near to Him. But to go back to my point, in the interview, she said she has reached a place where she has learned not to make her calling about herself. That hit me because it’s something I still struggle with. She went on to share how she can be very critical of herself by nature and how she has come to realize that feeling unworthy of the Lord’s anointing and the way He uses us to bless others might just be something that never fully goes away. When I think about that plainly, it makes sense because we truly are unworthy of the kind of trust it takes for the Lord to allow us to speak boldly about Him when there is so much that we don't even know about Him at all. So as I sat with that thought, and it made me look inward. It reminded me just how unworthy I have felt throughout my life. For some reason, I have always felt unworthy to step into my Christian calling just as much as I’ve felt unworthy to step out of my worldly habits, if not more. Even though I know the Lord now, the enemy still tries to twist what could be a humble and reverent sense of unworthiness and loneliness into something that could easily become destructive. If I listened to the enemy, I could very quickly slip back into my old ways, telling myself I’ve grown so much that a little worldliness won’t hurt, which is a struggle I fight daily. On the other hand, the confusion the enemy brings could just as easily convince me to stay quiet, to stop talking about what God has done in my life or what He has shown me in the quiet and intimate moments I’ve had with Him, because I am unworthy of His anointing.

Fixing My Eyes on Jesus

But somewhere in the shaking and the noise, I stop. And he calls me to fix my eyes on Him. I think about moments like John 16:32 where Jesus said, "A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me." There is something about knowing that Jesus understands us and knows how we feel that sets Him apart from every other god that this world attempts to claim. Jesus said that there would come a time when those around Him would be scattered, each returning to the places they came from. And still, He said He would not be alone, because the Father was with Him, just like He is with all of us.

And so, in the middle of the wave of loneliness where I feel scattered from so many things in my life, I am reminded that nothing could ever separate me from God’s love, companionship, comfort, guidance, or clarity. I stop thinking about myself for a minute and start to think about Him. I take the pressure off of myself and think about how He is going to work in the lives of everyone around me. That He is already orchestrating and illustrating, with divine and perfect timing, a position for me where I will be able to walk fully into His will, with confidence. It makes me think how necessary it is that I sit in these thoughts so that I may become the confident and God-driven woman that He designed me to be. It makes me realize how much work is still being done, and how much more I need to rely on Him and trust in Him to work the things out in my life that I don’t even know how to.

And so the loneliness, the kind that makes me feel like I don’t fit anywhere, begins to simmer down. I stop thinking, like Sarah Jakes Roberts said, about myself. And I start focusing on the truth, the truth that the Lord would see any worthiness in me to leave the life I once lived, to stand among others who have walked far better paths than I ever have or could. And then I’m reminded that Jesus sees us all purposefully and that He looks at us with love, grace, mercy, and worth. I am reminded that He calls all of His children by name in His perfect timing, and that He guides us toward exactly where we need to be. And little by little, the lonely feeling, the pressure, and the unworthiness begin to fade.

Finding Purpose in Loneliness

I think what the Lord has called me to do in this post is to remind you that loneliness isn't always a bad feeling. I think we're often told that it's something negative, but in reality, some of the most transformational and revelational work the Lord does happens during seasons of loneliness, because we have nowhere else to turn but toward Him. And I think it's important to remember that these are seasons, not lifetimes. Sometimes, a season of loneliness may actually be necessary for you. That doesn’t mean you’ve changed in a bad way, it doesn’t mean you’ve switched up, and it doesn't mean that you’re isolating or distancing yourself. It doesn’t have to be something negative, especially when the Lord is using it for your good. I’m not saying to set yourself apart just to be alone, but if the Lord chooses to do that for you, sis, embrace it. He is working things out for your good, even if you don’t understand why just yet.

What I love about a blog is that you are able to encourage others while also realizing how much the Lord is still working on you. So while I do pray for more fellowship, and while I do pray to step into what God has for me next, I'm pausing for a moment to realize what he has already given me. I thank Him for giving me the strength to walk away from what He has already pulled me out of, not once, but every day, sis, he's still working. I also thank Him for helping me to stand firm, for letting nothing move me, for helping to to get to a place where I can give myself fully to the work of the Lord. I thank Him for reminding me time and time again that my labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58 says, “Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” I know that nothing God does is without intention, even if it hurts me and I feel like I am losing everything that once made me, me. I trust and know that the Lord is using every part of the conviction, dissociation, loneliness, and the humbling to prepare me for what He’s guiding me into next.

And so even when I feel sad, or set apart from others, I rejoice in the comfort, the joy, and the love that can only be found in Him because I know that He is preparing me for something greater. Do I feel a sense of loneliness from others sometimes? Yes. Is that feeling real and valid? Yes. But in no time, the road will be positioned, and this season will come to an end, which will lead to a new beginning. I have no doubt that God will place me into positions where I will be abundantly overwhelmed with presence, comfort, fellowship, and others, but if that isn't what He's doing now, I still say Yes, Lord. I know that we serve a God who takes us from glory to glory, so why would I fall into doubt over a season that seems unfavorable? God has never failed us, and he won't start now, even in the breaking, he is still shaping, and so as uncomfortable as it is, I will continue to walk toward Him

The Narrow Road

So sis, if you feel me at all, know this: the lonely road isn’t lonely after all. It’s just the narrow gate that He told us about. Remember, wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many will enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life, and only a few find it (Matthew 7:13). Sis, we’ve found it. And now it’s time to bring others with us, so that they too may come to know the goodness and the fulfillment that can only be found in Christ Jesus.

Prayer

Heavenly Father,

Thank you so much for all that you do. Lord, thank you even for the shaking and the breaking, because it always leads to better making. Thank you, Lord, for never leaving us alone, even when the enemy consumes our thoughts to forsake you. Thank you, Lord, for knowing what is best for us and keeping us on the narrow road.

Lord, I can’t lie and say that loneliness feels easy, not the kind that I used to know or the one I know now. Lord, help us not to rely on merely physical presence but to allow our hearts to seek you and find your comfort that surpasses physical presence. Help us, Lord, to not long for the clenching of the thirst of the earth, but help us, Lord, to see sufficiency and abundance in you.

Help us, Lord, to not be consumed or confused by the enemy’s attempts to draw us away from you. Instead, Lord, help us to know that it is you and you alone that is able to fill us with abundance. Help us, Father, to fix our eyes on you so much that we lack nothing. Help us to stand so firmly in you that we would want to be nowhere other than in your presence.

Help us, Lord, to count all the losses as gains because, Lord, no matter what it is that we lost, we are still in you. Help us, Lord, to fear being far from you more than we could fear or be devastated by losing and leaving anything under the sun. Help us, Lord, to value you, to honor you, and to love you more than anything else.

Lord, let our sacrifices, our simple sacrifices in this world, bring you honor, glory, and gratitude. Lord, help us to not make our lives, our ministry, and even our sacrifices about ourselves. Instead, help, Lord, to allow everything to be for your glory.

Even in this ministry, help me, Lord, to keep you at the center, to put you before my plans, my ideas, and my goals. Help me, Lord, to be reminded forever and ever that it is about you. Help us, Lord, to remember and love the fact that our lives are about you.

Help us to sacrifice our lives in the way you did Jesus and help us to respond to loneliness in the way you did. Help us to say, “Our Father is still with us.” In the hardest of situations and circumstances and sacrifices, help us to say, Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord, for you, because you will always be with us.

Help us, Lord, to look at our sacrifices as light burdens so that we may have your yoke, Lord, so that we may have you. Help us, Lord, to see the wonderful beauty of the roads that lead to your love.

We honor you and we thank you, Lord, for your patience and for all that you do in our lives, for the better and for the worst; because we know that none of it is in vain and that it all leads to you

Help us, Lord, to know you, to really know you. And forgive us, Lord, for our shortcomings, as you provide us with the strength, knowledge, and wisdom to do better so that we may spend our lives honoring you.

In your holy, loving, and wonderful name I pray,

Amen.